From the outstanding resume file - a resume I received yesterday for a Project Manager position:

Personal Attributes
I am highly enthusiastic, hard working, opinionated and motivated to work under my own initiative or as part of a team.

1. I have extensive practical experience of fault-finding…

Which explains why his team wants him to work on his own initiative. In all fairness, the candidate goes on to finish item #1 with:

…and problem solving systematically.

Certainly  a lot easier to do once you’ve established blame.

There’s a sentence later in the letter that suggests English isn’t a strong suit –

My team were involved in maintenance, repairing and servicing of general electronic equipment down to component level, I was responsible for a team of ten technical staffs, managing them on a day to day basis, and helping them with any problems, and ensuring the team achieved their targets within set deadlines and planning work for staff and monitoring the progress, defining where appropriate, providing regular reports to my company board and conveying practical solution on designing systems to my R&D department and risk assessment of my work.

Well if that doesn’t get him an interview, perhaps his response to the ‘Are you willing to relocate?’ question will:

Yes, London 100% and Minneapolis 50%

That’s a shame, because our position requires 100% attendance, which might be tough if the candidate is always in England, but maybe it’s like that old Superman episode (and I mean Steve Reeves, not the guy from Smallville) where Superman splits himself in two through force of will.

The kicker is probably not as funny as the writing – the position the candidate is responding to has not been on an active job board for at least a week. But with credentials like that, who cares if you take your time responding to the opportunity?

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CareerBuilder.com offers up another list with “wacky” in the title.  For web purposes, wacky is a euphemism for link bait, but I’ll bite.  The list is comprised of the most unusual excuses provided by employees for being late.

1.  
   1. While rowing across the river to work, I got lost in the fog.
   2. Someone stole all my daffodils.
   3. I had to go audition for American Idol.
   4. My ex-husband stole my car so I couldn’t drive to work.
   5. My route to work was shut down by a Presidential motorcade.
   6. I wasn’t thinking and accidentally went to my old job.
   7. I was indicted for securities fraud this morning.
   8. The line was too long at Starbucks.
   9. I was trying to get my gun back from the police.
   10. I didn’t have money for gas because all of the pawn shops were closed.

As a manager, I would find #8 completely acceptable.

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This post was no joke on April 1.

I give you my backyard this morning:

Add to that 31 degrees and you may understand the overall somber mood up here.  Last weekend was sunny and 75 degrees.  One thing about living in Minnesota, we love to whine talk about the weather.

Now, perhaps, you understand why.

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Spelling errors in a resume are bad, but spelling errors in ads may be worse.  I’m looking through ads this afternoon and found an ad that spelled Minnesota this way - Minnasota.  Yeah, that isn’t going to impress the locals.  However, I think I have seen the worst error ever.  One company has the word “electrical” in their name…they misspelled it.  They misspelled their own company name.

Unbelievable.

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The Killian Newsletter is out which means another fabulous installment of Cover Letters From Hell.  This edition features some dandies:

…take this full of life, creative, fun, hardworking, quick learner, hands-on, intelligent, good looking, individually and help him by giving him the best possible experience, so he can continue the legacy of provided high level, knock your socks off advertising.

That’s why one should have important letters read – out loud – by someone else.

We’ve always had food-industry clients, and yes, we talk about food a lot, but we’ve never before been ordered to actually be food:

… being a member of the (name withheld) Organization, and, braise yourselves, even participating in a folk dance ensemble for the last 14 years.

Please except this statement and resume as a good sign that I am interested.

Therefore, making it easy to decide on whether or not to meet with me. Given that I will go on…

Oh, you’ve made it easy.

You guys are different. You guys small.

I am an “out of the box” thinker.

… who avoids clichés?

Read the entire thing.

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Well, I should qualify that; I suppose an Oscar, Grammy, Tony, etc. is a timeless award.  However, I just read an employment ad from a large recruiting firm that had this bolded statement at the top:

#1 Ranked Executive Search Firm - January 2006

January 2006?  My first thought was who beat them out for the past 2 years.  Maybe they have drastically declined in some way?

Call me a minimalist, but I prefer to get right to the meat in an employment ad.  In fairness to this firm, this was an internal hire.  Still, I would think they would have a bit more sense to remove that statement since it is more than outdated.

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First off, the word “wacky” should not be used in any form of writing.  Second, this Yahoo Hot Jobs article - Wacky Job-Seeker Stunts - lists some . . . zany gimmicks for attempting to land a marketing/advertising position:

• Puts up posters of himself in your company parking lot.
• Attaches pineapple scratch-and-sniff stickers to his resume.
• Announces his candidacy with a singing telegram.
• Sends lottery tickets with her resume.
• Rents a billboard that you can see from your office to list his qualifications.
• Bakes cookies with icing to write several reasons why she should be hired.
• Delivers pre-paid Chinese food, including a fortune cookie with his name and number.

Yeah, it doesn’t work (emphasis mine):

Less than half of the executives surveyed — 46% in advertising and 34% in marketing — said they might consider an applicant with a gimmicky resume, and only 2% of marketing execs and 8% of ad execs said gimmicks would help a candidate get hired. In other fields, where creativity is a less critical job skill, a candidate who sends a shoe “to get a foot in the door” will probably be dismissed as unprofessional, recruiters say.

Standing out is one thing, singing telegrams are another.  I’m always amazed that candidates don’t do the simple things to land a job like simply calling in to a company if they provide a number.  A well-written resume with a focused cover email goes a long way.  A network contact may have an in or know somebody in the company.

Again, it is amazing how candidates will focus on gimmicks when content is king. 

Of course, they were marketing positions.

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This sentence is from a cover email regarding a sales position:

I am educated up to an MBA.

I still am not sure what that means.

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Especially when you can simply look at someone’s shoes.  This Yahoo News story has to be an April Fool’s joke:

Mindset Media, a media company that examines personality traits of different consumers, found that people who buy more than three pairs of sneakers a year are 61 percent more likely to have the qualities of a modern leader.

These qualities were defined as having ideas and vision, and a style with others that is both inclusive and decisive.

The survey of 7,500 people, using market research group Nielsen’s online panel, found multi-sneaker buyers were 50 percent more likely to be very assertive and 47 percent more likely to be spontaneous.

It gets worse better:

Hybrid car owners were found to be 78 percent more likely to be highly creative than other people and less dogmatic.

This has to be a prank.

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Here is a picture of my backyard this morning:

This is no April Fool’s joke - 7″ of snow yesterday and last night.  Honestly, do you wonder why we normally recruit locals for Minnesota-based sales positions?

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