We only work in the sales arena so we refer to onboarding as onramping since salespeople need to ramp up to revenue (production) during their initial employment.  That being said, CareerBuilder.com provides some excellent rules to live by when bringing a new employee on board (my editing).

1.  
   1. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy employee.
   2. Thou shalt give a written plan of employee objectives and responsibilities. A written plan detailing objectives, strategy and expectations of future results helps diminish any confusion about a new employee’s job functions and instead opens up the floor to discuss concerns or new opportunities.
   3. Thou shalt give thy employ thy undivided attention.
   4. Thou shalt have relevant paperwork ready 
   5. Thou shalt introduce thy employee to thy neighbors. 
   6. Thou shall set up thy employee’s workstation. An empty workstation is to a new employee what an unkempt home is to a houseguest. Before the employee arrives on day one, stock his or her workstation with everything from paper and pens to keys and, if possible, business cards. Make sure the phone and computer, complete with voicemail and e-mail accounts, are set up. Leave a copy of an organizational chart, staff list, and phone directory on the new hire’s desk.
   7. Thou shalt schedule one-on-one time
   8. Thou shalt create a balance.
   9. Thou shalt clarify the company culture.
   10. Thou shalt think beyond the first few days. After 90 days, request formal feedback on the new hire’s performance from his or her supervisor, and be sure to solicit feedback from the employee as well. Take this opportunity to address any issues of concern as well as note any accomplishments so that all parties are confident that the new hire is poised for success in his or her role.

We have a sales manager we know who took a job with a new company and showed up on his first day to find there was no office set up for him.  Instead, they told him to pick a cubicle.  All of the cubicles had junk stored in them so he had to move the junk out on his first day to create a space for himself.

As a sales manager.

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Here is a new one – candidates who use provocative usernames in the online resume submission software.  From abcnews.com:

…a candidate who entered his resume in the company’s online database — along with the username “Sexpig.”

Yeah, what more needs to be said about that one?  Well, this is much better:

Poindexter, a community manager at Disaboom.com, a Denver-based Web community for those with disabilities, recently had to retract a job offer from an entry-level candidate who proved to be a LinkedIn liar. Shortly after extending the offer, Poindexter Googled the new hire and found that his assistant-to-be’s LinkedIn profile had been updated to include a nonexistent position at Disaboom — as Poindexter’s supervisor.

I am often puzzled by this – why do hiring managers Google candidates after they extend an offer?

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The Sales Machine blog on BNet features one of those posts I wish I had authored.  The title – Why Office Coffee Tastes So Bad.  A great topic for a Monday morning.  This post contains some of the most detailed information I have read about bad coffee.  Basically, it all comes down to tannins.

Contrary to popular belief, coffee is not bitter. It is supposed to be a naturally sweet beverage. However, the way it is usually prepared tends to concentrate the tanins (sic) in the coffee, which makes it unnaturally bitter. Remove these tannins and you get a good cup of coffee. Tannins come from five sources:

• Exposure to air. The more the beans are exposed to air and light, the more they begin to break down, turning the natural sweetness into tannins. If coffee is already ground, that process is accelerated.
• Brewing residue. Most brewing methods cause tannins to be deposited on the brewing mechanism where they’re transferred into the coffee. Plastic and metal is porous, so even if you scrub it, there’s always residue.
• The brewing process. If the water is not hot enough, the coffee flavor is lessened while the tannins are transferred into the water. Most coffee makers don’t heat up the water sufficiently to make a good cup.
• The filtering process. If the filter is the wrong porousness and not designed to absorb tannins, it will pass them through into the coffee. Many filters just filter out particulate matter and don’t absorb the tannins.
• Time after brewing. If there are tannins in the coffee, they’ll spread throughout the coffee, making it increasingly bitter over time. That’s why reheated coffee — or coffee that’s been sitting in the pot for an hour or more — usually tastes so wretched.

True story – first few months Lee and I worked together at a company with one of those old Bunn coffee makers.  The company supplied some of the worst coffee you have ever tasted.  Folgers tasted better.  Anyway, Lee would get to the office early some mornings to get some work done.  If the coffee pot contained coffee – FROM THE PREVIOUS DAY – he would put it in his cup, nuke it and then drink it.  All without brewing a fresh pot of coffee.

I’m still disgusted 6 years later.

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